Welcome home.

Fireworks for Sam

I had the opportunity to go home to Iowa for Sam's memorial and life celebration.  A huge thanks to all the caregivers and friends and family that made this possible and took Chris to grab whiskey, dinner, hockey games, movies and much, much more.

My trip home was sad and beautiful.

I sit here today needing to write.

 Looking outside at the snow falling with a coffee in hand.  Reading my favorite blog for inspiration.(lovelikethislife.com)  I'm conflicted.  I look outside at the beauty and then close up I see the hoyer lift,  welcoming me back to my husbands disability.  The work and everyday extras, the lending hand I need to be, to help put on jackets and do transfers to bed, the changing of catheters and daily skin checks,  arriving home to blood pressure issues and worrying if he'll faint.

If I'm vulnerable with you, I tell you that in going home I secretly wondered if I'd want a different life.  If I'd enjoy being back in Iowa enough to want to move there.  If seeing all my childhood friends would make me wish for a different outcome.  If I would've done this,  if I would've done that,  if I would've stayed.  I'd be different.  I laugh, as a song plays over and over in my head from that night stating, " I'm different, yeah I'm different, I'm different, yeah I'm different."   In so many ways, I am different.  I struggle with seeing complacency.  I am striving to grow and change and find new depths within myself and with others.  It's hard to see people just stuck. Stuck judging others to there own standards.  Stuck, not willing to grow or change.  Believing that by their series of decisions they're better than others.... and of course they're not.  I may have a hard time with this because of my situation and being forced to change and grow.  When I see your life as truly easy and blessed,  and you see your life as depressing and hard, there are moments I'd gladly trade.

I loved coming home to my sweet husband.  I loved Corban's sweet face seeing daddy after a few days of being gone.  I love my life here in Denver.  Although, I still fervently pray and hope we won't have to deal with disability forever.  I still dream that my husband will be able to walk, stand, dress himself, go to the bathroom himself, throw Corban into the air and catch him and just easily hold me, hug me, kiss me.  Right now,  he can't.  As for so many things we take for granted I was reminded each time I embraced an old friend how easy life can be and how easy it is to take things for granted.

Happy New Year...

Its a new year.

I look forward to a new year and new beginnings come each January 1st.  I try and determine new wishes, hopes, and dreams.  I laugh as every year it seems to be the same goals.  Losing 20 lbs, making more time for working out and eating healthy and maybe even some extra alone time sounds nice.

This morning, January 4, 2014, my little sister calls and informs me a childhood friend has passed away.  He has been battling cancer.  His Mom, whom all that knew her adored her, died a few years back to cancer as well.  I find myself sitting here thinking, "How hard."  Seriously, it's my second childhood friend to die of cancer and I'm not even 30 yet...

I don't believe there is any sense to be made of it, because sometimes it's life and it just doesn't make sense.

Right now, I am extremely thankful for my childhood friendships.  My hope is for my son, Corban to have a similar experience.  Having a friend like Sam, Joel, Kyle, Craig, Ryan, Seth, Justin, Jordan, and a truly beautiful and stunning, Carli.   Having so many great friends and living connected with others and to love deeply wanting the best for each individual.  I was able to talk to a few close friends that I haven't talked to in years and it was as if a day hadn't passed.  I grab my bin of photo albums and I remember back.  Back to the days in elementary school when Sam and his brother Alex would skateboard down the street,  the many classes together, highschool dances and pictures at his house, his trips to Denver and his zest for life and adventure.  Sam your spirit will be forever missed on earth.

I have pondered since the day I lost my friend Brock in February of 2002.  Why is it so hard to lose a friend?    Maybe it's because you get to choose your friends as family or maybe they're just too young to die and there's still so many more dreams you hope come true for them.  Either way I know you miss them like crazy.  I always thought my first born son would be named Brock and I was sold on it until I realized my last name was Kelley.  Brock Kelley, I truly thought it was possibly a sign when I always called Brock, Brockley... but I just couldn't do it so Ryan as a middle name would have to suffice.  The memories of Brock, Andrew and Sam still live on in our continued friendships and for that I am thankful.

One year ago today

Wow.

One year.

A lot can change in one year.

I remember like yesterday praying on the dock for Chris to breathe!  And he did.  I remember taking a pregnancy test with my best friend, Jess,  and she embraced me with the positive results.  Our son, Corban is now 3 months old.  I remember calling his parents and mine and them pulling together and fighting on our behalf.  They still fight for us and encourage us each and everyday.  Our friends that gathered in the hospital last July 4, gathered again March 22nd as Corban was born.

Some days I wish it was all a dream.  But then I pinch myself and realize its real, real life.  Lately I've been joking about creating my own game of LIFE because that game made it seem easy.
Easy to pick a house, Easy being married, Easy to become a lawyer, Easy to have kids.  In reality it's not easy, it's actually really, really, hard.  Some days I wake up filled with positivity knowing today is definitely going to be better than yesterday.  Most days it isn't but we do our best with what we've been handed and deal with what's going on each minute.

Today, this minute, we celebrate life!

We celebrate all the friends and family and even those whom I don't know who have blessed us beyond measure in the last year with meals, kid items, and support!

We celebrate our caregivers because with there extra love for Chris, they have kept him healthy and stylin' each morning for a year.

Thank you.  Bless you!

Happy 4th of July.

Anniversaries!

I think everyone looks forward to anniversaries.  They mark another year.  Another year of what?  Well I guess it just depends on what you're celebrating. 

I googled anniversaries and found they originated in the Catholic church to celebrate the saints. 

Last month I celebrated another year of life!!  Im on my last year in my 20's now!  Woohoo!

This month on Father's day I will celebrate 10 years in Denver, CO.  I still remember packing up and making the move and my daddy's tears as we drove away!  I'm sure it's not a Father's Day he remembers fondly.  

Bang salon!  Ten years later I am celebrating my commitment to the Garcia Family and the craft of hairdressing.  It's a privilege to be among a team of artists and designers worldwide. I still am inspired by hair as much as I was a century ago!

MOST  importantly today I celebrate 3 years of marriage. Marriage,  so wonderful and still so mysterious.  I found myself asking, "How do people make it last forever?"  I have spent the past few weeks reflecting on our vows.  

I _____, take you ______, to be my wedded wife/his. To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish 'till death do us part. And hereto I pledge you my faithfulness.

Of course a few of these stand out in my mind.  I found myself questioning would people sign up for this if they read  for worse,  for poorer, and in sickness till death do us part?  

I'm not sure anyone would be running down the aisle.  

I do know today that I am thankful my husband is alive.  I am thankful he's my best friend.  I am thankful he's my lover.  I am thankful he's an amazing father!  I'm most thankful today that our marriage can THRIVE while experiencing worser, poorer, and sickness.  Here's to another year of commitment, challenges, new experiences and fun!  It's an honor to call you husband.  I hope this year we can help others see the beauty in their own marriages even in times of struggle.  God Bless You and your marriage.

Corban's Birth Story!

We welcome Corban Ryan Kelley!
A name we put lots of love and thought into.
Corban meaning gift devoted to God
Ryan- little king (middle name of Chris and a dear friend that passed, Brock)
Kelley-warrior
Born March.22.2013

We realize these stories will be similar but thought we'd offer a little of each of our perspective.  Be sure to check out the video at the end of the post as well!

As Chris sees it...

It's easier to be on the operating table.

If I had to pick one thing that I learned from Corban's birth it would be that it's easier to be on the painful side then on the supporting side. Stacy and I overeducated ourselves, attending classes, reading books, talking with friends, even writing out a birth plan to hand to the nurses when we arrived at the hospital. We were as prepared as we thought we could possibly be getting ready to have a baby. Everyone always asked me well are you guys ready, and I would jokingly respond, well can you ever be ready?

Nope, you can't! Corban's birth was amazing but nothing like we expected it would be. Having learned all about the side effects and risks of artificially induced labor, we were dead set on having a natural childbirth!

At 41 1/2 weeks and Stacy still showing no signs of going into labor, we reluctantly decided that we may have to do something to help this baby along. The induction was scheduled for an evening appointment to have the cervix ripened and the nervous excitement began.

A few hours before we were due at the hospital Stacy started showing some signs of natural labor. She had lost her mucous plug and after a walk around the neighborhood started having some measurable contractions. We were so excited! As we drove to the hospital to arrive for our scheduled check-in we prayed, "Jesus, maybe you could just relax the cervix now we could have the natural childbirth we always wanted."

Sure enough, when he arrived at the hospital Stacy had started dilating and was having regular contractions! She still had a ways to go but at least we had something to work with. When the doctor recommended that we stick with the plan and use a medication to encourage the labor along I knew we were in for a long fight.

It was hard for Stacy to accept the fact that she was going to have to be induced and it took a few tears and lots of encouragement to get her excited about that. Now we had the option to go back to the original plan and Stacy really struggled with what to do. She felt as though we had come here for an induction and she wanted to respect the people that had put everything in place for us to make that happen as easily as possible for me and the care that I would need over the long process. I had to remind her several times that this was about her and what she needed and not about the plans or schedules of the doctors and nurses. I always knew this about Stacy but it became really evident in this moment that once Stacy has envisioned how something is going to go it's really hard for her to change.  In this case, she had worked hard to envision an enjoyable labor with an induction and now she was facing a change. It took Stacy and I probably three hours, and three proposed interventions by the doctor, to finally come to the agreement that we were going to stick with our plan and do this the way we wanted, the natural way!

Within a few hours, Stacy's water broke, and then the real fun began. That threw Stacy into active labor and for the next 18 hours we got to use all knowledge we had learned in class. The doctors and nurses were great about following everything on our birth plan and respecting all the wishes that we had made.  With the help of our amazing doula we learned why they call it labor, and labor it was. Stacy endured through that whole night and the entire following day without any pain meds or any other interventions from the doctor. Then Stacy's body couldn't do it any longer. The contractions slowed down and lessened in intensity. We had to do something to keep the labor moving along so at this point Stacy opted for an epidural and some drugs to get the contractions going again.

Stacy was excited for a break from the pain and thought she may be able to get a little bit of rest before she was fully dilated and it was time to push. At this point I had been in my chair for 36 hours straight and decided I would try and lay down for a little while knowing that Stacy would be comfortable and we would have a bit of time to wait for the drugs to do their trick. I had asked my dad to be available just in case this happened. So he transferred me out of my chair and I laid down thinking I was going to get a bit of a break.

I think I was just starting to relax when all of a sudden the delivery room was full of doctors and we learned that Stacy's body and the baby could not handle the drugs she had been given. The doctors were concerned about the baby's health and were starting to talk about what they needed to do to get the baby out as quickly as possible. This was exactly what I did not want to happen, me stuck flat on my back unable to do anything and the birth about to happen. I sent a nurse to find my dad and they quickly got me pulled up out of bed and thrown back into my chair.

Within a matter of minutes the doctors were scrubbed up and I was just covered in a gown and we were rushed into the operating room for an emergency C-section. We weren't sure how this was going to go so they allowed my dad in the operating room as well in case I needed anything. That's when I learned my lesson.

Throughout my life I've had surgery multiple times and looked to my family and friends for support as I laid on an operating table. As my dad and I stood there, just outside the operating room, watching them prepare Stacy on the table.   I Learned how hard it is to watch a loved one go through something you have no control over.  I thought I was going to be able to handle it until my dad leaned over and asked me if I was okay.  At that moment I broke down into tears and once I could pull myself together told my dad, "It's easier to be on the operating table." "No it's not," he responded. But then after thinking about it for minute I think he understood what I was saying.

The C-section ended up going very smoothly and within a few minutes they had pulled out a beautiful baby. The doctor held it up over the curtain and I was able to see and screamed out, "It's a boy!"

The birth didn't go quite as we planned. But one thing I learned and would tell any expecting parent is that no matter how the baby arrives at the end of the day you still get the same baby. And that's all that matters. Corban is wonderful and these first few weeks have just been amazing with him!


As I experienced it...

  I remember to the beginning of this pregnancy journey and Chris and I not knowing much about anything labor or delivery.  We then decided towards the end that we would take a natural childbirth class at Sweet Beginnings, in downtown Littleton, CO.  We became hooked.  We loved the idea of the natural process, we loved the friends we made, we loved one of our doulas who taught the class, and we loved going on a date every Monday night before it!  We loved it all!  Let me tell you, we showed up to the hospital educated. 

I was 41 weeks and on my way to do a baby stress test.  We tried to set an induction at 42 weeks but the hospital was busy then and we were set for Thursday night, March 21.  That day I just kept praying for something significant to happen and of course it did.  At around 3pm I lost my mucous plug.  Not having a clue what that meant I was researching on google and then off walking we went.  We arrived at 7:30pm for our induction and they hooked me up to the monitors.  We found I was having regular contractions and after an extremely painful check I was 70% effaced and 1cm dilated.  After much debate we decided to let my body do its thing.  Chris, his dad, and I settled in for a game of Yahtzee.  After losing I got in the hospital bed and to my surprise my water broke,  everywhere!  I was sitting in a crazy amount of fluid.  Contractions started to get real serious after this and Chris called up the team...my doula and photographer. 

After 22 hours of natural childbirth and a slow down in contractions I needed a kick to get the baby out.  I needed pitosin.  I was doing great managing my own contractions but I was pooped to have them longer and stronger so I opted for an epidural first and then pitosin.  I thought baby wouldn't be here for at least 2 hrs so I wanted Chris to get out of his chair and off his bottom and rest in the bed next to me for a bit.  Next thing you know baby's heart rate drops and we have a team of nurses and doctors in the room and the doctors hand tapping the baby's head inside of me.  I have oxygen put on and Chris is calling for his dad and to get back in his chair.  In 4 minutes time we are all transferred, Chris and his dad all scrubbed in and we are ready to meet baby.  Still not knowing whether its a boy or girl the doctors plan was to lift the baby above the curtain and for Chris to call out the gender.  It's a boy!  A room filled with emotion and such excitement!  Chris and I welcome Corban Ryan Kelley!

I must tell you I had a fabulous team of support around me and without them it would not have been the same.  My Doctor,  my nurse anesthesist, who's a second mom to Chris And I, thank you Momma Linda,  our divine doula Misty, and her friend and phenomenal photographer Jen Benker at jbenkerphotography.com.  We applaud you!  A special thanks to our families and friends for adventuring with us!  We love you all.  An extra special thanks for middle of the night turn help from Ben and our dear friend and caregiver Rachel.

Fresh

Yesterday was a BIG day for us.  I think I am still processing it's beauty.  I will not say any of this was SIMPLE but I will say it was simply amazing!

We arrived tired to the peak center for PT and Chris thought maybe he was going to ask if they would just stretch him because of how tired he was.  They stretched him in a BIG way!  We arrived and they said, "Chris, I hope you are feeling FRESH today because we're going to video tape you!"  Laughing and knowing full well how many times he asked me to put him back in bed, I was smiling.  They pulled out a walker and said he was going to walk using that.  I wanted to cry with excitement and everything he's worked so hard for.  He made it 3 times across the gym with lots of assistance but it was just AWESOME!

Simplify

Does anyone remember the acronym K.I.S.S.,  Keep It Simple Stupid!  I laugh when I think about this because I think it's easy for things to be made more complicated.  We had an interesting few weeks around the house and I knew if we didn't simplify life we would not only loose our minds but maybe even our live in caregiver.

It seems we always have a little to much going on and amidst a construction project,  our PT schedule, and balancing family and friends, we caught a bug.  Initially, I thought it may have been labor or food poisoning but I was sadly mistaken.  From puking and diarrhea I was extremely dehydrated and started having contractions but not being dilated or effaced it was no good to be in false labor.  We went to the hospital and I received some bags of fluid which in turn stopped the contractions.  We called it our practice run.  A few things we learned from it was the hospital setting was comfortable to us.  The beeping and medical equipment was quite homey to us.  The season of this pregnancy came into fruition in a hospital and as I thought I was adamant about home labor options I realized it was sure nice having someone get ice chips for me.  I felt spoiled!

ONLY to wake up the next day, Chris had the same bug, as well as our caregiver, as well as the contractor, as well as passing it to each of our friends.  This bug was contagious!  I now know what it looks like for Chris, with his SCI,  to get sick.  I knew we would have to face it at some point but being stuck in bed in an awkward position puking was scary.   Not being able to feel it come on the way you normally do, also scary.  We made it through, with sippy cups of gatorade in bed and just trying to keep him hydrated to avoid another hospital trip for us,  we managed.  The most significant thing we learned about Chris being sick was an increase in muscle spasticity.  His muscle spasms were so strong it would throw his legs out of bed or  into the air and made him extremely uncomfortable for almost a week.  Thankfully they are much more manageable again.

The bug is gone, the construction project is nearing its end, and the PT schedule has found some consistency.  Things are simpler now and everyone feels much better this week!